Catharsis
by kelseasc413
Summary: Companion one shot to Chapter 10 of Start Again. Bella's conversation when she meets Edward again nine months after he left her in New Moon.


I woke slowly, by infinitesimal degrees. My entire body felt numb and I couldn't move. There was a slight pressure on one of my hands, slowly tracing circles on it. _What happened to me?_ I tried to search my memories through the fog that blurred everything. The last thing I could remember was searing pain. I flinched, accidentally tugging on something embedded in my hand. _Ugh. Needles, I hate needles._ The pressure on my hand stopped moving.

"Bella?" a hoarse voice whispered. My eyes snapped open. Jacob's face floated in front of mine, slightly out of focus. From what I could tell, I was in a hospital, again. _What did I manage to do this time?_ Whatever had happened was still disturbingly absent.

"What happened?" I managed to slur. Pain medication didn't exactly make it easy to talk. Or move much. Jake started shaking a little as he spoke.

"Victoria," he managed. The memory came rushing back. Victoria came to my room in the middle of the night, threatening to kill Charlie if I didn't come with her quietly. I didn't remember much after that. I could vaguely remember her carrying me into the woods and then…everything was lost but the pain. He squeezed my hand gently, hesitating before speaking again. "How much do you remember?" I paused, searching my mind for anything else, then shook my head, wincing at the sudden throbbing.

"Not much," I said softly, "She came in through my window and told me to come with her." Jake raised an eyebrow incredulously, asking a silent question. "I had to go, she threatened Charlie. I couldn't let anyone else be hurt on my account." He sighed with some frustration. I hesitated again, not wanting to tell him any more of what happened next than I absolutely needed to. He seemed to understand.

"What's the last thing you remember?" he asked with a barely masked urgency.

"That _was _the last part I remember," I lied badly. He saw right through the lie, of course.

"Are you sure?" His voice was laced with both concern and a hint of panic.

"I don't remember anything else…coherently," I clarified. Jake's eyes darkened. "What happened to Victoria?" I dreaded the answer.

"You don't have to worry about her hurting you anymore," he said reassuringly, "she's dead." I let out a painful sigh of relief. The nightmare I had lived for the past months was finally over. Maybe I could start living normally again. _Normal for me, anyway._ But, looking into Jake's eyes, I could tell that somehow, everything was not yet resolved.

"Jake, what's wrong?" He tensed.

"There's something else I need to tell you," he started. Before he could explain, the door to my room opened and Carlisle walked in. I didn't know exactly what I _had_ expected Jake to say, but it definitely _hadn't _been this! I sputtered incoherently for a minute, trying to form a sentence. It became obvious I wouldn't succeed. It didn't help when Alice charged in from behind Carlisle.

"Bella!" she cried, setting my already pounding head into a faster tempo. The fog in my head cleared, probably from the shock of seeing two people I thought were gone from my life forever combined with a new haze that ate at the edges of my vision. A million other emotions shot through me, changing rapidly from relief and happiness to anger and betrayal.

"Why are you here?" I asked bluntly. It was darkly satisfying to see both of them do a double take at my words. Alice recovered first.

"I had a vision of Victoria," she hissed at the name, "taking you from your room…and then you were hurt…" she trailed off. "I wasn't sure if we could get here in time, but we had to try. We couldn't just let you die."

"That's nice," I said flatly, trying to contain the anger inside me. The people in front of me weren't the most at fault. Someone else was responsible, _him_. _Are you still so insane you can't even _think_ his name? This is ridiculous. Just think it, you can at least think it_. I took a deep breath and let the name echo through my head for the first time since Laurent threatened me.

_Edward._ _Was that so hard?_ An awkward silence filled the room. A few minutes passed, the only sounds breathing and the obnoxious beep of the heart monitor. Alice broke the silence again.

"Bella, we're so sorry…" she started, but I interrupted her.

"Where is he?" _Come on Bella, you just thought the name, is saying it really so much more difficult? Grow up._ "Where's Edward?" The silence started again. I groaned in frustration. "Look," I started, struggling to keep from exploding, "you weren't the ones who did this to me specifically, and as far as I can tell, had very little part in what I think you're apologizing for. I don't need that. I need to talk to the person who is _actually_ to blame for the nine months all of you were gone." Stunned yet again, Carlisle and Alice left. Jake relaxed very slightly.

"I need to do this by myself," I said quietly. His head snapped around quickly and I could see how little he wanted to leave me alone. But he trusted my judgment.

"I'm going to hate this…" he mumbled. I half smiled, although it probably looked more like a wince than anything else, in an attempt to reassure him. He leaned in and kissed me gently before he stood and left the room. I knew how much it cost him to leave me alone with a vampire, let alone my ex who had literally driven me insane for a while when he left. But this was something between me and Edward. There were too many questions I needed to have answered.

Almost immediately after Jake left, Edward came in at a slightly inhuman pace. I waited for the healed hole in my chest to rip open again. I fully expected it, but there was hardly a tremor. He just didn't have that effect on me anymore. The heart monitor increased its incessant beeping, as usual, but for a different reason entirely this time. I wasn't overwhelmed by his presence; it was just nerves and anger. He didn't look like I had expected. He had dark circles under his eyes, which were pitch black. It was obvious he hadn't been taking proper care of himself. But there was something else unexpected in his eyes, a haunted look I remembered from a darker time. It was the look I'd seen in the mirror every morning for months and tried my best not to make worse by dwelling on it. He looked as broken as I had been.

He opened his mouth to say something, but seemed frozen in place by either the extent of my injuries or the glare I had fixed on him. It was clear whatever he'd been expecting had been entirely thrown off. Good. Before he could recover from his shock, I asked the most important question on my mind.

"Why did you come back?" I asked with a surprising amount of subtle venom. He flinched in a way that almost made me feel guilty for starting by treating him like this. Almost. I crossed my arms expectantly.

"Alice had a vision," he started. I managed to hold back an annoyed sigh, and forced myself to let him finish. "Victoria," he growled the name, "came to your window and took you into the woods…and then…" he seemed at a loss for words now. So I decided to supply him with a few.

"She started methodically breaking every major bone in my body, you mean?" I said in a mockingly polite tone. He froze at that, more fully becoming my past's mirror image. Since he didn't continue, I started on a small piece of my rant, "It's funny, that's the first time I've heard your voice in almost three months." It was satisfying to see his confused expression. "Oh, I didn't mean it was exactly _you_. I had some interesting hallucinations for a few months." I shrugged a little. Ow. Big mistake. I sarcastically gestured for him to continue with my good hand.

"When Alice told me…we couldn't just let it happen," he started, the words flooding out in a rush. _What's going on? He shouldn't care…not this much anyway._ My expression would have almost been funny in any other situation. I was torn between confusion and anger. I could feel both emotions flash across my face periodically. Anger stifled the confusion and curiosity. Suppressed memories from months ago came rushing back. All of his words flashed through my head with impossible speed, causing a slight twinge as they passed. The memory was still painful, but it no longer incapacitated me.

"It will be as if I never existed," I quoted in a hoarse whisper. He stiffened. I continued relentlessly. "That didn't work out so well, did it? Or what about 'this will be the last time you see me'? I should've known better. What should I have expected from someone who promised me my lifetime, if not forever? I should have known better from someone who one day claims to love me and the next kills every promise he ever made to me in the span of about five minutes? I was stupid to ever have..."

"It wasn't true!" he interrupted desperately. My eyes narrowed suspiciously.

"What wasn't true?" I asked dangerously.

"I'm a good liar…I have to be," he started. _So it's just what I thought. I was only some distraction for a few months for him. The only true words he ever spoke to me were in the woods. He doesn't want me. He never really wanted me._ He must have seen the dark expression cross my face. "Nothing I told you when I left was true." _What? No, that's impossible. I saw the way he looked. He meant every word he said. _"I have never stopped loving you," he finished, his eyes looking wild. I closed my eyes. He started saying something else, but I was too shocked to listen much. Besides, from the little I did hear…it was more sweet nonsense, something I didn't believe anymore. He had even said himself he was a good liar. How was I to know when he was telling the truth anymore?

Even if I believed him, that he had never changed and had never stopped loving me, I _had _changed. It had been slow, painful, and difficult, but I had managed to move on. Finally. And just when I was settled into a semi-sane new life, he had to come back and spout more lies. When I opened my eyes again, I could see Edward's lips moving, but I couldn't hear what he was saying. He seemed sincere. I almost believed him again. But it didn't mean anything. I was not made of stone; I was capable of changing, and I had changed.

He must have finished his speech. His lips had stopped moving and he was looking at me expectantly, the desperation I had seen earlier now completely unveiled. He looked completely vulnerable, a way I was unused to seeing him. I sighed. I knew deep down he meant everything he was telling me right now, as much as I wished it wasn't true. I wanted to be angry at him for putting my life on hold for months after he left, but somehow I knew it was wrong, or at least not entirely right. I shook my head slowly, partially because I didn't know exactly how to start what I had to say.

"Why would you lie about that?" I asked finally.

"I was trying to protect you," he said quickly. I held back a snort, looking down at my assorted casts and monitors. _Nice job_. He noticed my incredulity, but ignored it. "After everything that had happened the months before, I could barely protect you from my own family's instincts. And worse, the event that triggered the whole event was a _paper cut_. In any other situation, nothing would have been wrong. At most, you would wash your hands and be done with it. Instead, I manage to through you into glass, making a bad situation worse, and can barely stay in the room because I have the urge to _kill_ you," he ranted on.

"Edward, stop it," I interrupted. It was no use listening to him beat himself over the head for what had happened all over again. I'd heard this before. I didn't need to have it repeated for the umpteenth time. I needed resolution, some closure. He stopped and waited for me to speak again. I searched for the words I needed to say. I started on another tangent, delaying the moment of truth a slight while longer. "I understand…I don't agree with your reasoning, and I do _not_ like how you made this decision without bothering to consult me, but I can at least see _why_," I paused for a beat, "That's one of the most important things. I never really understood that, how everything could change in the space of a week." I paused again, knowing the time had come to tell him the full truth. But I was through with these circuitous routes I was taking. I needed to be direct, something he had not given me. "Edward, I've changed." His eyebrows drew closer together in confusion. "Granted, it took longer than a week, or even a month, but I…recovered. When you left, I was a shell of myself at first, just going through the motions of life. But I eventually realized just how stupid it was for me to concentrate on you for so long," His confusion turned to hurt.

"I learned how to live again. I stopped only doing what I absolutely needed to do and just _was_. I had my own identity, something I'm not sure I fully possessed with you," I paused again. This would hurt him the most.

"I let you go, Edward. I don't feel the same way about you anymore." His expression was painful to watch. This must have been how he felt when he had to tell me he no longer wanted me, but this was different. I wasn't lying.

He stared into my eyes for a long time, trying to find something there. Perhaps he was trying to read my thoughts again. But more likely, he was trying to see any glimmer of uncertainty in my eyes. I saw the exact moment he realized it didn't exist. I saw the exact moment when his heart broke for a second time, more jarring than the first from a dimly expected cure. He turned and bolted from the room, unable to handle the rejection.

"I'm sorry," I whispered, and I truly was.


End file.
